Speaking of the Elephant in the Room,

The more we speak about our adoption with others, the more I realize how delicate a subject it can be. Most people generally mean well, but there are always a few who don't know how to convey their support in appropriate ways. Consider the well-meaning woman who asked me a recently, "So, what does your husband think of the adoption? I mean, you're still so very young. Does he feel as strongly as you do about it?"

Prior to beginning our adoptive process, I know I was certainly one of those well-intended ones whose foot had a disturbing tendency to get stuck in my mouth. So, with the hopes of keeping other people's two feet firmly planted on the ground, I offer up the following considerations when conversing with families who have adopted or are planning to do so:

1) "Is he yours?" People will sometimes ask parents if their adopted child is "theirs" or (cringe) ask if they couldn't have "one of their own." In our household, both Andrew and William have equal standing; we love one just as much as the other. They both have the same rights and will appear side by side on our will once we get our legal act together. They are both "ours."

2) "Poor thing. He's 'lucky' to be adopted by you." Few adoptive parents proceed to adopt with the intention of playing savior to the needy orphan. They are just building their families the way they feel is right. As parents and children, we are blessed to have one another as much as any other family in the world, adoptive or not.

3) "So what's the deal with his mom?" Who, me? I am his mom. It is quite true that our child also has another mother and father in his birthcountry. However, please do not be offended if we choose not to share details about his birthfamily with you. There are adopted children whose birth histories contain information that their parents have not yet divulged to them due to their sensitive nature and the child's age. Even if they have, it is the child's information to know and to share if and when she or he desires.

4) "Excuse me, is your child adopted?" Like any others, adoptive families just want to buy their milk and eggs and dash out of the store before their child has a meltdown in aisle 6. They appreciate your positive affirmation of their adoption, but they would rather be given their privacy when out in public. Moreover, many adopted kids soon begin to tire of the unusual attention given to them by strangers and may begin to wonder if something is amiss with them. Deep down, they just want to be treated in the same way as any other child.

As a side note, I'm guessing I won't get asked this question as much simply because both William and I are of Taiwanese descent (and after all, don't all Asians look alike?) When out with both bi-racial Andrew and Taiwanese William, I anticipate a lot of, "He [William] looks more like you," despite the fact that Andrew and I are dead ringers for one another in our 4 year-old portraits. It is unfortunately my poor Caucasian husband who will bear the brunt of this unwanted attention. God be with him.

5) "Your adopted son is soooo cute. Look at him!" Yes, I agree. And look - here's my other cute son. If you must insist on lavishing praise on adopted children, please remember to do so equally upon the biological children where applicable. They are just as special and prone to feeling the imbalance of attention even if they don't say so.

6) "How much did he cost?" It goes without saying that you cannot put a price on a human life. However, outside of the presence of our child (who probably understands more than he can let on), I'd be willing to tell you how much we paid various parties to assist with the facilitation of the adoption.

7) "I'm so sorry that you couldn't... well, you know." It is true that many couples who decide to adopt have chosen to do so after experiencing infertility. What many people don't know is that the adoption community is also widely populated by families who have chosen to adopt for other reasons. The motivations are insignificant in the end; what matters ultimately is that the children who need parents and the parents who seek those children are united as a family.

I'm sure there are many more considerations I've left out - adoptive families out there in cybersapce, please feel free to chime in. But I think you get the idea. Adoptive families consist of normal people who just want to be treated as such.

Now in 10 days, when we finally have our son in our arms, we'll really get to find this out for ourselves.